“The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it.” – A Course in Miracles
I do not consider myself a victim. I had a long, reeling journey down the rabbit hole, but I dug an escape tunnel and came back up into the light. Only a handful of my close friends know my story and I won’t bore you with all of the gory details except to say that it played out like a bad “made-for-tv” movie. My first marriage was psychologically, verbally and physically abusive. Enough said.
Through all of the darkness and mind-bending panic attacks, I still felt like I was in control. In my warped sense of reality I believed that all I needed to do was prove to him that I was worthy of his love and respect and the abuse would end.
I was paralyzed with fear. Stupid, irrational, panic-attack-creating fear. I was afraid he would stop “loving” me. I was afraid he would leave me. And I was afraid he would kill me. My fears were his torture device; the cruel irony being that I had total control over the weapon.
In a twisted way I was comfortable with the fear. Fear and I were close friends now. It provided a place for me to hide out and play my old records…the “You’re Not Worthy” LP and it’s flip side, my personal favorite, “You’ll Never Be Good Enough.” As dysfunctional and messed up as it was, it felt safe. What I didn’t realize was that I was practically begging for the abuse to continue by not acknowledging and believing in my own self-worth.
Fear is an interesting creature, the offspring of our minds, a product of our ego. I’ve heard many a “love guru” say that love and fear cannot exist in the same place. In our world of dualities, the opposite of fear is love, so where real love exists there is no room for fear. I believe when you reach a crossroad in life, a real “down-on-your-knees-help-me-God” moment, when you “crack” just a little, the love that is your soul gets a chance to shine through. The fear gets so big it’s not containable anymore. The shell it surrounds you with starts to crack under the pressure and the goodness and light that is the “real you” now has a chance to shine its light on the fear.
I surrendered to the light. I left all of the bits and pieces of the fear there in the puddle of tears on the bathroom floor and surrendered. I realized the only one who could battle the fear was me; it was in my power all along. In the quiet, my soul sang me a new song. A beautiful ballad about how I am a daughter of God, I am strong, I am loveable, I am worthy. It was my new record.
I am not a victim because I allowed it to happen; I didn’t feel worthy enough to set personal boundaries and protect myself. I allowed fear and self-loathing to spread its darkness over the light of my soul. One of my favorite authors, Marianne Williamson, wrote in A Return to Love, “Love casts out sin or fear the way light casts out darkness. The shift from fear to love is a miracle.”
Let’s battle the fear; let love consume it in a blaze of fire. Let’s create miracles today.